CharlieCroker

Posts: 1,055

March 2 Stoke are a throwback to the glory days of British football, when it ruled the World and the ball itself was violent. They are at the centre of the Premier League’s grand plan to present a romantic, profitable face to the growing global television audience. Phase One is already complete: Stoke’s nondescript ground has had its nondescript name changed to Britannia Stadium, their players have been replaced with wrestlers and referees have been bribed to allow foul play at all times- it takes the best diver in the world to win a penalty against Stoke. The wrestlers came cheap, because they were unemployed- advertisers had complained to ITV that none of them offered products or services which catered for the sort of idiots who used to watch World of Sport on a Saturday afternoon. Demographic research discovered that its entire audience was in Stoke, hence their being chosen over Newcastle as British football’s flagship dirty team.

In a leaked document detailing meeting minutes between Tony Pulis and some suit in London, which I would have read, had it existed, further plans to enhance Stoke’s endearingly nostalgic image include the following proposals:
1. Pitch invasions will take place at all home games and knife fights will be staged within a five-mile radius of any match involving Stoke. Stoke’s city centre pubs have been passed as suitable venues, requiring no cosmetic alterations whatsoever.
2. Fans will sport mullet or long, greasy hairstyles and wear baggy, flared tracksuits with dirty off-white stripes down the side. It is anticipated that the population of Stoke will view this as a fashion statement to put them on a par with Paris and Milan.
3. Lavatory facilities within the stadium will be removed, to encourage fans to piddle on each others’ backs. Pulis is confident that they will take to this like ducks to water- foul water, foul being the etymological mascot of Stoke City FC and the only skill he knows how to coach.
4. Richard Branson, for a fixed, predetermined, index-linked fee and the guarantee that he has a monopoly on the supply of the service, will provide vandalised trains to carry Stoke fans to away games.
5. At least once per season, a section of the ground will be set on fire.
6. Good old-fashioned cages will be erected around the pitch, as a safety measure, to prevent the players from fouling the fans.
7. A statue of Ryan Shawcross will be erected outside the stadium. It will be animated, so that it trips or grapples with passers-by, detecting them with motion sensors and using the latest robotics technology. It is hoped that a traditional Potteries toilet-turner can be found, by trawling the employment exchanges of Stoke, to design and make it.

These enhancements are expected to be in place by 30th March 2013.

blue32years

Posts: 16,928

March 3

CharlieCroker said:

Stoke are a throwback to the glory days of British football, when it ruled the World and the ball itself was violent. They are at the centre of the Premier League’s grand plan to present a romantic, profitable face to the growing global television audience. Phase One is already complete: Stoke’s nondescript ground has had its nondescript name changed to Britannia Stadium, their players have been replaced with wrestlers and referees have been bribed to allow foul play at all times- it takes the best diver in the world to win a penalty against Stoke. The wrestlers came cheap, because they were unemployed- advertisers had complained to ITV that none of them offered products or services which catered for the sort of idiots who used to watch World of Sport on a Saturday afternoon. Demographic research discovered that its entire audience was in Stoke, hence their choice over Newcastle as British football’s flagship dirty team.

In a leaked document detailing meeting minutes between Tony Pulis and some suit in London, which I would have read, had it existed, further plans to enhance Stoke’s endearingly nostalgic image include the following proposals:
1. Pitch invasions will take place at all home games and knife fights will be staged within a five-mile radius of any match involving Stoke. Stoke’s city centre pubs have been passed as suitable venues, requiring no cosmetic alterations whatsoever.
2. Fans will sport mullet or long, greasy hairstyles and wear baggy, flared tracksuits with dirty off-white stripes down the side. It is anticipated that the population of Stoke will view this as a fashion statement, to put them on a par with Paris and Milan.
3. Lavatory facilities within the stadium will be removed, to encourage fans to piddle on each others’ backs. Pulis is confident that they will take to this like ducks to water- foul water, foul being the etymological mascot of Stoke City FC and the only skill he knows how to coach.
4. Richard Branson, for a fixed, predetermined, index-linked fee and the guarantee that he has a monopoly on the supply of the service, will provide vandalised trains to carry Stoke fans to away games.
5. At least once per season, a section of the ground will be set on fire.
6. Good old-fashioned cages will be erected around the pitch, as a safety measure, to prevent the players from fouling the fans.
7. A statue of Ryan Shawcross will be erected outside the stadium. It will be animated, so that it trips or grapples with passers-by, detecting them with motion sensors and using the latest robotics technology. It is hoped that a traditional Potteries toilet-turner can be found, by trawling the employment exchanges of Stoke, to design and make it.

These enhancements are expected to be in place by 30th March 2013.

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We should date